Perfectionism and Frustrating Self Filters.
I usually have meaningful thoughts that I get excited to write about. By the time I sit in front of the computer to share them with the world, they turn into a fumbled mess of less coherent words. Even now.
You can imagine how hard it is when the thoughts you have does not come out the way you want. As if a part of my brain shuts down, and all the wonderful flow of thoughts now have to try and squeeze through a tiny straw. So as always, I started to get curious.
I noticed a lot of effort and editing even before I send an email. Or a text message. Even an instagram reply. I also noticed less effort when writing in my private journal or to close friends.
Ah.
I realized this automatic shut down thing happens when I am afraid of making a mistake with people I don’t know so well. The reason? I grew up in an environment where saying the wrong thing, and making a mistake brought on condescension, ridicule, and belittlement, gossip and cruelty.
“You don’t even know that??!”
It makes sense then that my negative experiences at home, unkind educators, societal messaging, and my own low self esteem each became “filters” over my mouth. This is the mental image I have, made by collage:
“Must be careful. Double check. Are you sure that’s what you want to say? You don’t want to come off stupid. You don’t want to give someone a reason to belittle you.” – These are the thoughts that pass by so quickly that it went undetected. I only noticed the action, and finally started understanding the why.
