Undoing the Curse of Time Anxiety
One of the hardest things that I struggle with is always being chased by time. It’s not a surprising side effect of a life ruled by the fear. That was the narrative I was constantly surrounded by.
“Don’t waste your life”, church said.
“You’re only thing young once, don’t regret it later”, father said.
I even know by heart a kpop mega hit “Road” (meaning better translated as “path”) sung by Korean legends g.o.d:
나는 왜 이길에 서 있나
이게 정말 나의 길인가
이길의 끝에서 내 꿈은 이뤄질까
I wonder why I am standing on this path
Is this truly my path?
At the end of this path, will my dream become true?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with pondering this. Maybe it’s natural when we are young to want to answer these questions. Here’s a question though: What happens if you put an anxious, melancholic child (with an added downpour of high anxiety, negative family members) with a never ending loop of this message, and what do you get?
Answer: Someone who gets anxious of time.
Terrified of an unproductive life and desperately wanting to make something of myself, it actually made me become like a car with the parking break on, constantly pressing down on the pedals.
I was doing EVERTHING, but not actually getting anywhere. Just burning my engine.
Also time seemed to pass so quickly. When I would lay in bed “resting” aka trying to drown my anxieties with shows because of the Sunday Scaries, I noticed time would pass by multiple hours. I’d wake up in the morning, the next thing I knew it was time for lunch, and then by the time I looked up, the sun was already setting. Uh-oh, more anxiety, my weekend is pretty much over. More eating/binging. Next I look up, it’s 1 am and now I’m anxious because I can’t sleep. Time went from 9am -> 1pm -> 6pm ->1am. Like it was going double speed.
I’ve slowly gotten myself out of this curse.
The secret: I teach myself how to LIVE life, instead of worrying ABOUT life.
Then it becomes filled with moments. “Lesson learned” moments. “Caring for myself” moments. “The sky is beautiful today” moments. “I’m so thankful I can walk” moments. “A little bit everyday” moments.
Then the time doesn’t seem to go double time. I exercise for what I feel is two hours, only to realize only 20 minutes have gone by. I have a morning filled with moments, and by the time I look up it’s not even noon yet.
