Bushy pits, and the art of not over apologizing.
I went to my weekly physical therapy session the other day, but ended up with a different therapist than the usual. When asked if I was ok taking off my shirt for the massage, I obliged; I was wearing my sports bra after all. I usually keep my arms glued by my side, but that day she wanted to get my upper arms as well.
And that’s where it got hairy (pun absolutely intended).
I’d gone in au naturale = not having shaved my pits. She started lifting my arms, and I started wanting to apologize profusely for my faux pas. Something to the tune of “Oh God, I’m SO SORRY if I knew I would be doing this I would’ve shaved..” I guess I must’ve healed enough to be able to take a beat to think, because laying on that massage table, think I did:
Had I actually done something wrong to warrant an apology?
A while ago I worked with a trainer who would stretch me out at the end of every session. I would often say “oh man, sorry I’m so sweaty!!” She then said something I won’t soon forget. She noticed people so often apologize for sweating after a hard workout, even though if you take a second to think about it, it’s normal. What was most meaningful to her observation was that by far most one of those apologetic folks were women.
So this time, I bit back my apology and worked hard through my hateful thoughts. “Oh geez, she’s probably appalled”, “I’m so gross”, “What’s wrong with me?” and all the variety of ways my mind wanted to apologize for being human. Instead, when she was done, I gave her a smile of appreciation with a well deserved “thank you”, and walked away. I gave my brain another experience to reinforce that I don’t have to apologize for myself when I don’t feel “perfect”, as if that is an inconvenience to the world.
To be absolutely clear, I’m not saying that all it takes to heal a worthiness wound is to apologize less in general. No, we know far too well that working in absolutes is never the answer. In some cases I make the case that we need to get better at putting our ego aside and learning to apologize. This over- apologizing because we feel we owe it to others when we clearly don’t, is another beast. And learning to do it less sure helps support the work I’m doing on the inside, and the message I’ve been teaching to my inner child.
Do you ever find yourself over apologizing?
